My Tired Me

Although I want to say that my morning was great, because nothing bad happened, I won't.  I have a nasty habit of minimizing my feelings and emotions because a) I have no right to complain and b) I don't matter as much as those who have a harsher life.  I feel like I should be out there being of service to those who need me rather than complain about my wonderful life.  

Guys, I really don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm trying to sound all wise and open when all I know is that I don't feel right today.  I'm tired; so tired. I woke up and got the kids off to school then came back in to lay down for 'just 20mins' and slept for 2 hours.  

Here is a little backstory on my fatigue issues:  Ever since I became a mom, which was as long as I've been an adult, I could sleep til I die.  At first, I thought it was because I was a single mom who preferred to work and party to sleeping.  Okay.  I think that's legit.  That was probably the reason.

Then I met and married the man God chose for me (CRAZY story behind that btw!).  He lived in a town 2hrs away and didn't live with my boy and me during the week. I had finally gotten my dream job when I was 21.  Do you want to know what that was?  I worked as a Bursar's office cashier at a university.  Don't laugh!  I still miss that job!  M-F/8-5!  Perfect for a single parent!  I had a state job with great benefits and paid holidays!  Prior to this it was nights and weekends; complete opposite of when day cares are open.  I was set, in my eyes.  That job still lives in my dreams.  I mean it.

Well, after a small time, I mostly just 'partied' with my hubs and on the weekends.  I think, during this period I wasn't so tired all the time.  I even felt okay to go to work when I was sick! 

When my daughter was born, we'd just moved to another area so I didn't have my awesome job anymore.  This is when my fatigue hit hard and never left.  Of course, at this point, my thyroid had the 'worst' TSH level the doc had ever seen.  Once I got that regulated, I was no longer a zombie but still very tired.

Extremely long story short, I'd been very tired from when baby girl was a baby until the point when we figured out why.  Keep in mind I'd been to docs several times over the years to try and figure out why I was so tired.  In the end, we just attributed it to my Hashimoto's Thyroid problem- an autoimmune disease.  No way out.  

On November 5th, 2014, I had a stroke.  I was 36yrs old- another CRAZY story to fit into an entry by itself so I won't go into it here.  

Docs found a huge hole in my heart and called it something like: Atrial Septal Defect.  Apparently this is usually diagnosed in children but my hole was so big, it didn't sound weird on the doc's heart-listening gadgets (I hate it when a word eludes me!) my whole life!  My current doc feels horrible that she never caught it but she isn't the only one.  

My dad passed away 4mos prior to that so I concluded that the only logical explanation was that my heart was literally on fire when I was grieving and it burned a hole in my heart.  Docs said that's not how it works but... What a coincidence!  I don't truly believe that's what happened but my heart really did feel like it was on fire when Dad died.  I really did have physical pain in my heart!  O, God!  I miss him so much. :(  Side note: I would rather give birth everyday for a year than EVER go through fresh/raw grief again, pain-wise.  

Anyway, docs at the hospital told me that this very well could be why I've been so tired all these years and that when they plugged the hole my fatigue could go away!  I guess not getting all of the oxygen I needed in my bloodstream was making me tired.  

During the surgery, I was awake.  I should note that the did not open me up.  They went in through the groin area.  When they got to my heart, they said the hole was even bigger than they thought and if it were any bigger they'd have to do open heart surgery!  Wow!!!!!  

Well, they were right!  Once I healed from both stroke and surgery I felt a LOT less tired!!!!!!  Yay!!!!  

So.  Why am I so tired now?  Lately, my asthma has been pretty active so I guess I may not be getting enough oxygen again.  I dunno.  That's really all I can think of.  Also my body is fighting a stupid cold.  I guess that could be it.  

Anyway, I got up and turned my computer on.  When I put on Pandora and the music started, I immediately felt better and more revived.  What a wonderful gift God has given us!  The ability to listen to/create music is so important.  Even one of my heroes, Martin Luther, said this “My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary.” Sometimes I am so proud to be a Lutheran Christian!  

May God bless your health!  

Listening to Chris Botti Radio on Pandora
"Drive Time" by Chris Botti
Album: Slowing Down the World