When I was in high school, I used to tell people I had an addictive personality. I'm not exactly sure why I said that. I didn't smoke or drink. I could pretty much take food, or leave it. I hadn't had sex yet. What was I so darn addicted to then? I can't remember!
It very well could be that I didn't understand what addiction was. I must not have! I know I had a deep codependency problem but would never have recognized that as an addiction or a problem, for that matter. Also, about a year ago, I learned I had a codependency issue in some ways but the complete opposite (a distancing issue) in more ways... Once I recognized the codependency issue and learned that my life doesn't need to be so disrupted and affected by others and their lives I had absolutely NO problem letting that go! Co dependency is about the only addictive thing that I've practiced that I'm not addicted to.
What exactly does addiction mean to me? I think there are a billion ways I could explain it having been deeply addicted to a few mental/oral pleasures (phrasing!-- a little "Archer" joke) but this isn't a book. It's a blog.
I think the basic nature of the beast of addiction is the literal inability to stop insane behaviors. In this regard, most people have an addiction of their own to battle. Some may not even know they are addicted! For some people, it's drugs. For some, alcohol. For others, nicotine. The list goes on but modern belief is that we also display behaviors that have addictive nature! We could be addicted to an ex who, over and over again, hurts us. We might block them from Facebook or our emailing and text only to unblock them soon after to check up on them and see if they've been trying to contact us or are ready to talk about changing... again... just hoping that this time the ex will understand just how serious we are about needing them to change so we can be together! Wow! Very addictive behavior. We can be addicted to people and the chaos the person in question might bring to a relationship. It becomes a project needed for survival. Somehow, we think we will recoup our sanity if the other person would just change!
Here are my current addictions: food and caffeine. I had a spiritual leader tell me once that humans are addicted to sin! Although I had a hard time digesting that, I think he was mostly right...maybe. It's still a stretch for me. Being mentally, physically, and spiritually fused with something/someone is different than just lying or cussing from time to time.
The difference between addiction and sin is that with addiction there is a mental fusion with something in particular. Sin is something one can ponder and successfully decide not do participate in. In addiction, there is no ability to ponder anything. Instead of pondering, there is a war between mind, spirit, and body. There are no allies in that war. The spirit does not go along with the mind or body. The mind does not go along with the spirit and body, and the body does not go along with the mind or spirit. The addicted 'victim' is literally incapable of making a decision that will help them rather than hurt them. Yes, incapable.
If you aren't familiar with what goes on in the mind of an addict, let me enlighten you. The pre-addict will discover some type of behavior/chemical and this will start out being the answer to all their worries, prayers, problems, what have you. For the person that is addicted to another person, the 'high' is the newness of a relationship and the belief that it will stay that way forever.
Once they discover their 'cure' to putting up with life, that's it. They are gone. Who they are, completely depends on their addiction. What happens next is, months (or years) later, their 'drug/relationship' turns on them. All of the sudden, there is a realization that life is still happening and they've got to try to get the feeling back that they had initially! They need more. NEED.
I have met people who feel like they've never had an addiction to anything of consequence. They look at me like I'm a foreigner when I try to explain the obsession and the literal inability to stop. It's almost as if I'm speaking Klingon! That's what the 'non' addicts don't understand. They'll ask, "Why can't you just stop?" The addict will tell you a) that they don't want to, b) "because it will get better. I just need to control it," c) "I don't know! I just can't."
Now that I understand addiction I say 'c' a lot. Actually, I'm at the point now where I'll say it's an obsession to feel right. Somewhere along the way, at absolutely NO fault of my own, I realized that there are things/people that will 'cure' the pain and hurt inside. There was no intention of losing control and hurting the ones I love (in my earlier addiction to alcohol). Even the realization that I was hurting the ones I love with my bitter addiction, wasn't enough to help me stop. Of COURSE I would have stopped if I could!! Duh!!
The addict never wants to hurt those they love. In fact, they believe that since their addiction was their best friend at one time and have a true desire to 'make it all better' they just try to control it because it worked before, so why not again?! After awhile some addicts (not all) will see that their addiction is actually ruining their lives and try to stop, completely. This may work for hours, days, months, and sometimes years but as long as their mind, body, and spirit are still at war with each other they have a huge probability of failing. If they don't pick their addiction back up, they are usually bitter and negative ans never seem to feel okay up until the day they die. That's why spiritual work is so important. Once that get's content, the mind and body will start seeing the example that the spirit is setting and desire to follow suit.
Well, right now, I don't have an addiction to any mood changers but I do have addictions to both food and caffeine. How do I know I'm addicted to caffeine? Well, I have to have it in the morning, like millions of others. That isn't what makes me addicted though. I also have an afternoon cup, which is equally as important as the morning one. Okay. That doesn't make me a caffeine addict either. After a walk, I have energy and my body wants more! I'll have that healthy energy from exercise and that isn't enough. I need more so that I will feel even more right! Also, I will force myself to drink the caffeine even if I don't want it and my best side is telling me how stupid that is yet, there I am, grimacing while drinking coffee. Also, I believe that coffee is tearing up my esophagus and stomach but does that stop me? Nope! My behaviors are insane!!! I have the ability to go a day or two without coffee but once I feel better, because I am still fused with the caffeine, I need it again.
How many of you don't do something unless you absolutely have to? Like, let's say, stay in your bed because doc said no walking on your foot until it's healed. Who has time for that! Well, with the addict, it's like the house is burning down and the person with the broken foot is painfully running toward the safety of the outdoors. You can't help it, right?! It's for survival! You have to force yourself to do something you don't want to do because you have survival instinct.
That's how it is for the addict. It is literally for survival that they do what they do. Humans can't help the instinct of survival. That's why the addict will 'run around on a broken foot' while hurting themselves. To survive!! Without the addiction, our brains tell us, subconsciously, that we won't survive, so we cling to it. We fuse with it... or it fuses with us, actually. We welcome it because it will help us survive.
Well as I sit here, typing, I am drinking a cup of coffee but am not yet feeling the pain that it will later cause. When the addict is 'coming down'/feeling the pain of their addiction, they'll say things like, "This is it. No more!" Readers, they are completely serious! They have every intention of stopping! They need to survive so their addiction saves them but then, when the body is feeling the dangers of their addiction, the addict's truer side of his/her instinct will take over because of the need to survive. Have you ever drank to much and, while depositing your refuse into the toilet, promise yourself that you will never do that again?! I think most of us have done that once or twice... Although that one characteristic doesn't define an addict people will usually drink again but try to control it. Most are successful, because of their need to survive. Others aren't so successful because of the same reason: their need to survive!
There are tools I have to help me be present in the moment but something deep inside tells me I don't really need them. It is so hard to force myself to do something my mind and body tell me I don't really need to do!
Listening to Japanese Traditional Radio on Pandora
"Beautiful Butterfly (Meditation Mix) by Innais
Album: Nirvana Lounge
No, this does not make me a Buddhist. I can think about my precious Lord and Savior listening to this peaceful music, as my Lord is the Prince of Peace.
