As I begin this entry, I have not yet decided on a title so I'll just start typing and see what this ends up being about so I can title it appropriately.
I've not written since Friday morning. This is day three of a three day weekend. Friday evening I developed a sinus cold and I knew I was in for it when I felt it coming. I was so irritated by it! I hate colds! On the one hand, I am glad I didn't have to miss any work, but just at the beginning of a three day weekend?! I was looking forward to so much! *listening for the world's smallest violin* Oh well. I feel much better today, though still a little nauseated; my guess, due to post nasal drip.
When I got to work on Friday, my spiritual leader informed me that he had heard about my eldest son's most recent adventure (check blog from 1/15). At first, I was so baffled as to how he knew about that and he told me he'd read my blog! Wow! I pictured some people reading this but had not realized that he might stumble onto it. I want people to read this but the thought didn't cross my mind that he might. (Hello, Reverend! haha) It's a little embarrassing because I mentioned some embarrassing things in my previous post! After thinking about it for awhile, I was okay with it though. This blog is supposed to show the struggles I'm going through so that one might see when/how I may/may not pull through to figuring out what a healthy 'me' looks like!
He told me on Friday, however, that he understands what I am going through as he'd had similar struggles. He told me that once I realize God's true love for me, I may see myself as He sees me. When that happens, I will not remain obsessive about temporary pleasures because I will be at true peace.
I have been thinking about that all weekend! When the season of Lent comes around every year, I learn about Jesus' walk in the wilderness in preparation of fulfilling God's promises as the long-awaited-for Messiah. I learn something new every year. Anyway, after those 40 days, when Holy Week arrives, my soul starts to prepare itself for the loss of Jesus. It is a very emotional time for me because this is when I feel the love of God the most. (((I want to remind you that this is not a blog about my Lutheran Christian faith, but my spirituality is the most important thing about me and I want my spirit to be healthy as well!))) I picture my Lord in the garden, scared out of His mind about what He is about to go through. Even now, as I type this, my heart feels devastated at the thought of how absolutely terrified He was! However, because He loves me as much as he does, he faced something no 'mere man' could face.
Why can't I understand how lovely I am in his sight? I wonder if it is all of the distractions of this life, living in a technologically stimulated world where there is so much arguing and fighting and pain and, and, and. It's hard to constantly feel God's sacrifice. Sometimes, amidst all of that, God feels like a daydream. Perhaps if I read about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane every day, I can get back to that place of how Jesus was so scared- to the point of death- yet still followed through with His Promise because, in the end, His Divine side was stronger than his Man side... Big surprise, right? Nope!
Well, everyone's spirituality is different and requires different realizations. I struggle with the battle between my flesh and spirit everyday. Now, that is something everyone can relate to-- even God! I am so weak and when I'm scared of the right thing, as Jesus was, I know that I would not go through the sacrifice. In my case, I'd be sacrificing things like ice cream, pizza, pasta, enchiladas, nachos, etc and most of the time I can't even do that! I'm not even about to be tortured for hours on end, only to die on when it's over! I'm talking ice cream, people! Ice! Cream!
The point is, Jesus believed in God's love and plan for him. Jesus knew who He was. Who am I? How do I matter? In a world with billions and billions of spirits, where do I fit into all of that? With so many people suffering such harsh lives and deaths, how do I matter? I am an entitled, over indulgent, lazy, weak, jerk who doesn't appreciate her own life.
My spiritual leader told me that I matter. I guess Jesus didn't just die for the poor and oppressed. He died for the rich, poor, oppressors, oppressed, middle class, pedophiles, murderers, abusers, models, saints, teachers, thieves, doctors, and moms with overindulgent/selfish/minuscule problems.
My problem isn't that I think I'm too horrible for God to love me- it's that my life is so much better than others that I've no right to expect anything. This is how I don't matter. God has lifted me up from some very dark places but, now that I'm okay, I feel like I've exhausted my credits! :-0
Anyway, I'm sure my issue of minimizing my problems will soon fade and I will understand that God died for everyone... including those who have all they need, and more.
Listening to:
Celtic Thunder radio on Pandora
"A Place Among the Shores"
By Maire Brennan
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