Happy happy Monday! I love the days when I have a positive outlook on life. I'm actually looking forward to this week and there ain't nothin' special goin' on 'round here! Just life!
Friday evening when I was at a 12-step meeting, I learned that two friends of mine passed away; two very important people, to me. So important they've had a hand in helping me avoid death! I was so sad about it. All I could do was cry.
Before my precious dad passed away from Wegener's Disease, I had no fear of death. My guess is because I'd never experienced it with someone close to me. Let me go a tad deeper than that- I had no fear of me dying.
My dad was my hero, the first man I ever loved, and he loved me as if I were his own (he adopted me). I truly believe he saved my life and probably my mom's too. My biological father had rage issues and alcoholism with a tenancy to grab for guns when in a rage. I'm even told of a hostage situation where he threatened to shoot my mom if she came for me. I was under a year old at the time. Again, a story for another blog.
When my hero retired from this world, it set my heart on fire. It. Was. On. Fire. It burned so bad!! I never expected to feel physical pain from grieving his death. FIRE!!!! I never want to go through that again but, unless I die soon, I'm going to. A few month's later, I had a stroke. I talked about that on another entry: "My Tired Me".
Although I recovered from the stroke, my health has still been declining. There is something wrong with my stomach/esophagus and that's making me notice my age. I absolutely do not believe that age is the only factor in getting sicker as one gets older. If that were true then there wouldn't be 'old' people who are healthier than the average old American! Some of us can take care of ourselves so that we don't age so quickly! This 'getting old' thing is all in the head.
When I think of heart burn/indigestion, I think of old people. My brain can tell me that I'm getting heartburn/indigestion because of the crap I eat but my mind tells me I'm getting older. Folks, if I didn't eat the wrong foods I would not have this problem!! Age has nothing to do with it! I'm 37. That's it! I'm not old!
What does all this mean in relation to my me's health? I don't want to die yet! Since my dad passed, we've lost guinea pigs, chickens, friends, other relatives, and actors/singers that carried pieces of my childhood with them. I am starting to feel the realness of life. First of all, I don't want to put my kids through the pain of losing a parent too soon but I also am realizing how precious life really is.
When I heard about David Bowie passing away, I cried and cried and cried! David Bowie reminded me of my dad; David Bowie's singer side, not his Goblin King side. ;) It caught me off guard! I never expected to have that kind of reaction to someone I didn't even know dying!
When my husband found out how devastated I was he reminded me of my faith and that I shouldn't be sad because of what I believe. For me, it's not a matter of not believing what I believe. It's a matter of this world and the life it holds. I feel so grateful that I wake up every morning. There was a time in my life when I thought everyone would be better off without me. Oh boy. I believed it!
Robin Williams. David Bowie. Leonard Nimoy... Bill Cosby! Bill Cosby hasn't died, physically, but his 'me' did. All four of those people held HUGE meaning in my childhood. They each had pieces of the better parts of my childhood and when Bowie died it was another piece of my dad that passed. Floods of memories of my dad in relation to David Bowie came flooding back; memories of conversations about him, singing songs as he heard them on the radio (no, Dad was NOT a singer! lol) So many memories. I think I may cry for a week straight when Mick Jagger dies. That was my dad's all time favorite rock star!
I get it- eternal life, but human life is wonderful as well! Our humanity, although very flawed, is precious. God made us as such and it is precious. When our human journey ends, it's sad! Who knows exactly what comes next and when? All my finite mind knows is this life.
I really want to get healthier so that I can stretch this beautiful human life out as far as God will allow. My dad used to say, "When it's your time, it's your time. Ain't nothin' you can do about it," and I agree with that, but so many deaths could be prevented if we just took better care of our me's. I may eat a raw vegan diet then get hit by a truck next week but if we want to look at this mathematically, I will more than likely die from a preventable disease after suffering for decades! I don't want that!!! I really don't! I really want to live my life to it's fullest.
Listening to Pandora
"Make it With You" by Bread
Album- Definitive Collection
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